Finding Peace...

After leaving Wellspring for Women in 2007 I was on fire, living a life completely serving God. I was tenacious like a bulldog nothing could have pulled me away from what I felt God had called me to do. After serving God whole heartedly for 4 years I began to doubt God because things were not going as quickly as I thought they should have. I was 26 years old with no husband and no children, not even a boyfriend.

 The church is made up of people and people are not perfect. I was hurt and it immediately started a very slow downward spiral. Remember the enemy isn’t going to attack a very strong Christian full force; he will not give you all he’s got until the hook is set. I began looking for excuses that would line up with the lies that I had started believing. “You are the one that has made all these plans for your life, not God. God didn’t really tell you that. You really didn’t hear from the Lord, that was your own voice.” One small lie escaladed into one huge problem.

Over a few months I eventually feel out of church. I’ve always thought the reason I went to Wellspring was because I was on drugs but I’ve recently learned drugs were not really my “drug of choice”. What did I run to when times got hard? What was the one thing I told myself “I’ll just have one”.  I told myself you really don’t have a drinking problem. Do you really want this to control you for the rest of your life, not being able to have a social drink? You can handle it, you’re strong! Well after a year of thinking I could handle it, I was a full-fledged alcoholic! The “oh just have one”, you mean one bottle? Because that is what it will be with me! It doesn’t work!

I started dating a really great guy but my drinking really didn't seem to be a problem, I didn't drink everyday and I didn't clean out the houses alcohol, hey I got this together (I thought)! I got pregnant six months into us dating. God completely delivered me from my taste of alcohol while I was pregnant but a few months after my child was born the pressure was on. Having a colicky child is very hard to deal with and I am here to say that I did not deal with it the right way. I returned to my coping mechanism, ALCOHOL! After a few months I was cleaning the house out of alcohol every night. After a good scare one night where I could have hurt my child I quickly made a 360 in my lifestyle! It wasn’t easy in the beginning. My fiancé still drank and there was still alcohol in the house. My focus was on him tempting me. Why was he doing this to me? He needs to help me. I really felt like God told me “focus on YOUR problem”. When I took all of the energy I was using on what he was doing and turned it onto helping myself in no time I felt a lift of pressure off of my life! Thank you God!

After getting pregnant I’ve dealt with so much guilt and condemnation, punishing myself for not living in God’s will, for stepping out of His will. But what I have learned through all of this, when we step out of Gods will and make decisions that do not line up with God’s word we are out of His safety and protection for our life and He will allow things to happen, as He did in my life. But God can and He will “turn all things around for our good”! God’s grace and mercy never seize to amaze me!  Today I am back in Gods will and what a peaceful feeling it is! Always watch for that peace, when you don’t feel it you better check yourself before you wreck yourself!